The beginning of where it went wrong

I don't have a true place to write about how I became who I am and why I wish I wasn't me. I don't know that I will ever find that answer but I better start looking now. I have always been a bandaid girl. The girl that covers her hurts by just pushing them aside and pretending they haven't affected me. I remember as a child people making fun of me. I remember thinking "be strong don't cry". They figured out they couldn't crack me...but I was broken. I hid what they made fun of and became STRONG. I became so strong that I put up this shield and nobody was going to see the real me. I remember not being very funny...I had very funny friends. Then I figured out you can make people laugh at someone else's expense. I used that and abused it and I am sure I left alot of broken people behind me. I still find myself to this day making fun of other people at their expense. It is habit and it gets laughs. I make fun of myself to get laughs too neither of which is endearing and doesn't attract alot of people as friends. This is enough for today I am depressing myself with the honesty.